An inconvenient truth

I want so badly to be the one that saves myself but the truth is, I don't know if I can. 

On Wearing Pink

I have a neon pink workout shirt that I like to wear on leg days at the gym.  Leg day makes me feel motivated and powerful.  I don't wear pink because I am delicate and girly, to me the bright pink means I am vibrant and noticeable and this means that I am not hiding from the world anymore.

Lessons

Welp the online nutrition thing was a bust. More on that later but I think this was a good lesson. #youhavetosaveyourself

A Different Approach

Today I bought an online nutrition and training program through Sarah Bakian.  It is a 6 week program with a  meal plan, lifting exercises, and a cardio plan.  Financially savvy decision?  At $200, absolutely not.  But at this point I am willing to do anything to help myself overcome my unhealthy cycle of eating and the self-hate that comes with it.  My mom does not understand why I would spend so much money on this, however, I do believe that she would pay that much for a therapist.  I have done the therapy and the meal plans with ED nutritionists.  I've sat in groups with other self-destructive girls and talked about how I feel and why I feel and How to deal with the feelings.  There's been a lot of talking and not a lot of action.  So this time I seek something that I believe will help me.  Nothing else in my life matters as much as this.  Nothing will get done, no adventures will be had until I can accept and manage my body and health.  There are so many ways in which this disease can kill me and I have no doubt that it will if I do not make every effort to kill it first.  I feel a bit unsupported but I don't think that really matters any more.  Taking my life into my own hands is scary but it is also brave.

Now is the best time

I have a board on Pinterest called "when I finally release myself". It is filled with things that express the real me, the girl that is trapped under a shell of self-hate. It is things I want to do and the way I want the world to see me. So my questions is, "what am I waiting for?"  There's no better time than now to set myself free. 

A note for attendees of the pity party

At some point in my life I decided that self-destruction was the way to success. I would show everyone how powerful I was by hurting myself. By starving myself, by exercising until I couldn't move, by cutting and by tearing myself down. It felt like power because it wasn't ordinary. Because most people don't do these things to themselves. It is human nature to avoid suffering but I do not want to be a mere human. But after years of this power struggle I am finally realizing that my plan is completely illogical. Self-destruction is not seen as admirable or powerful. In fact, from the outside, it probably looks like failure and incompetency. The world does not see the hours spent in treatment or the gym. The nights spent binging and the painful repercussions of treating my body so horribly. The world sees a girl who skips work and cancels plans. A girl who is boring and guarded. This is not you. You are a girl who loves meeting new people, who comes alive in the presence of kids. You are the girl that loves to exercise and be strong. You are motivated, dependable, and hard working. If you want to show the world that you are not ordinary, self-destruction is not the route you want to take.  Show the world how you can have a job and show up every fucking day, show them how you can work and go to school and volunteer. It will be hard but it is your dream and so it is worth it. Show them how you have completely turned your life around. Power is overcoming the darkest times in your life. Power is not hiding in the dark and slowly destroying yourself. Self-destruction is the easy way out. You never take the easy way out. Ever.