Reality check

Sometimes I forget that ignoring reality does not change reality. Ignoring what I eat, how much money I don't have, other people's feelings etc. doesn't fix or change anything. It's important to "man up" and accept what is going on in your life, even if it seems horrible and overwhelming. Nothing will change if I plug my ears and close my eyes to my life. So what is the reality?

-- I have $5 in my bank account and rent is due in two days. So are my credit card payments. 

--I have around $5,000 in credit card debt and I still buy things that I don't need because I think it will make me feel better

--I am consistently overeating/binging. It is another avenue of self-hate that needs to stop

--I am not treating other people like they are people. They have feelings too. They can hurt, feel ashamed, angry, and annoyed. Do not forget this. 

--I am compromising my values and morals in an effort to be liked by others. Never, never do this. You are enough and if someone doesn't think you are enough, fuck them. 

--I have lost credibility by being inconsistent and flaky 

--I do not have a job, I am not making money. I have quit more jobs then I have kept. I jump around because I get bored or it interferes with my Routine and I quit so I can maintain the structure of my "life". 

--I have lived in San Diego one year and right months and I have experienced and seen very little of it

 All of these problems seem overwhelming. But when I take a second look I realize that all of them CAN be solved. Change your actions, change your life. Don't be a spectator. Do something. You are so strong and fierce.  

The Fig Tree

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.” 
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Misery

I woke in te night last night because my body hurt so bad. I overslept because I took a sleeping pill at 1am. My heart is beating like I just ran a marathon and I an so nausea ou in afraid to move. Why are you doing this to yourself?

Los Angeles exit ahead

It's interesting to look back and remember what it was like when California was just a crazy dream. I didn't have memories of it but only imagined images. Tonight I was driving and I saw a sign for Los Angeles and it hit me- I am in California. This was my dream and I made It happen.  A few years ago I never would have believed that I would be here. I was fresh out of treatment and afraid of the world. I still have fears but I am conquering them and challenging myself.  Fear is a liar that keeps us from discovering ourselves. Don't bow to fear, stand up and fight it. 

Windows down, Volume up

A year ago I hated driving with my windows down.  I hated the noise and the way the wind messed up my hair.  I feared it.  Today, I love it.  I embrace the wind and the sound of life outside my windows.  It embodies what I hope to become.  Fearless.  Imperfect.  Free.

Good vs. Evil

When people hurt me or I am feeling down I turn my emotions inward and destroy myself. It is almost a reflex and it happens so fast that I can't even take a breath and think about it. It has only occurred to me on a handful of occassions that, perhaps, I could use that energy to better myself rather than hurt myself.  This is a realization that could save my life.